Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
