the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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