Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
