Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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