yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
