I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
