I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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