You really coming over, don't trick.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
