Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
