you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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