Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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