I think my vagina is haunted
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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