how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize