Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
