I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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