No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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