i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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