Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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