yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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