I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Green mimosas i think yes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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