my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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