please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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