Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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