The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
