I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
