im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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