remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My liver just broke up with me...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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