Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
