Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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