if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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