He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
