thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize