I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
