hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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