I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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