Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
