im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
