Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
