This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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