Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
