Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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