sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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