one two three fourrrrnication!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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