How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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