I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
