ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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