so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
