I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
