roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
