I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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