Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
