My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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