lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize