I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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