you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
