I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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