My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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