I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
