After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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