Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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