I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
