I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize